Soul Pacing

3 weeks and 2 days to go.  As the time nears to set off for the first few days of the pilgrimage I can feel a picture emerging of the first few days in this new reality.  Actually, I don’t know whether this picture will be a few days, a few hours or a few weeks.  What I do know is that for as long as it takes I have to let my soul determine the pacing of this pilgrimage rather than some predetermined schedule.

I can feel a deep tiredness in my bones–the result of spending the last few years recovering from a divorce, digging deep to make sure that I survived financially, and that my children survived emotionally.  In addition, I am one of those pastor types who can not help himself but to pour himself into the work of the church and involvement in the betterment of the community.  I love what I do.  One problem, though.  I have a tendency to pour myself out until I have nothing left to give.  Pacing has never been one of my strong suits.

I have this image of the first few hours heading south on the I-205 MUP (multi-use path) of my body literally beginning to shake.  Something about being able to set my own pace and determine how far and how fast I want to go gives freedom to a sudden rush of anxious relief.  It feels very much like that sensation one gets when responding to a crisis.  During the crisis one performs brilliantly and as soon as the crisis is over, the person often collapses and is swept up in a flood of nerves.  I don’t think I am going to collapse.  But, I do see myself slowing the pace down dramatically, wonderfully and just in time.

I wonder what will happen.  Will I fall into this new pace for just as long as I need it to recover and then return to my usual ambitious overly-scheduled life?  Will I discover a new pace of life that grabs me and won’t let me go?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I am going to let my soul take the lead and let my schedule follow along.

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What do I want to find?

I received an email from a friend a couple of days ago and she asked, “What do you want to find on your journey?”  I realized that I wasn’t able to answer the question directly.  Here was my answer:

Hi (Friend),

Your question is interesting.  I think part of going on a pilgrimage is the letting go of “want.”  I don’t find myself going out to look for something so much as to shed something.  I feel like the snake that has to shed his old skin.  I think what I want is to shed any behaviors, attitudes, commitments, expectations, dreams, obligations, understandings, etc. that no longer serve me well or are part of my essential identity.  I feel like I am going out to let go and see what is still left.

One of the things about the physical challenge of this is that you have to pare down to the bare essentials, rely mostly on your own strength and will, and learn how and when to reach out for help.  It is in this process that I imagine I won’t be the same person I was when I began.  On the other hand, I suppose I could come back completely crushed by the experience!  That is the risk!

The tag line for this trip is “Looking for God, Seeking the Sacred.”  Yet, I don’t feel like I am going out to find God somewhere “out there.”  I feel more like I am going out to shed any layers of self or ego and will hopefully discover the sacred “in here” in the center of who I am.

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The Waves…

I have prepared for vacation trips before that require some planning.  There are reservations to be made, reviews of hotels and motels, and, of course, all the details to wrap up at home in order to leave with a clear conscience.  This pilgrimage has all that and more.  Because it is a ten-week trip it certainly has required more home-based issues to take care of before leaving.  But, this preparation is different than what I have experienced in the past.

I am experiencing emotional waves–sometimes a great feeling of relief to get out into the country side away from the constant tug and pull of modern life, sometimes a feeling of excitement and anticipation of embarking on what feels like a once-in-a-lifetime adventure, and often waves of anxiety that catch me by surprise.

I was reading a book, The Art of Pilgrimage, and it mentioned that the anxiety prior to embarking on a pilgrimage is normal.  It is just part of the process.  I am not sure I like this, but I am somehow comforted by the fact that these waves of anxiety are part of the “pilgrimage package.”

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  From the very beginning the irrestible pull to take this journey was steeped in a sense that I was letting go of a life that had served me well for a time, but had run its course.  This pilgrimage has felt like an invitation to finally bury old expectations and dreams without knowing for sure what new life would be waiting for me on the other side.

It’s strange, but I feel like I am moving through a birth canal.  The anxiety is the contractions during labor that are intense and move me along a little further toward a new life.  Then I settle back in for a time (usually a few days) in this new normal only to be caught off guard by another contraction, another wave of anxiety.

I think the difference between a vacation and a pilgrimage is this:  Vacations are meant to ease the stress and anxiety of life.  Pilgrimages actually invite us into waves of anxiety–an anxiety that propels us into new birth and new life.  This is hard work!

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The Pilgrimage Begins…

Welcome to the very first posting for PedalPilgrimage.  As with all pilgrimages this will be an unfolding journey.  The first step–learning how to use the blogging technology.  I love to write! I am not real keen on solving technical issues, however.  But, as my Intel techie friend reminds me, once I am on the road for 10 weeks without his expertise and experience, I will largely be on my own to solve techie problems.

I invite you to follow me on this PedalPilgrimage.  If all goes as planned I will leave Portland in mid-July traveling 4000 miles over 10 weeks.  Over the coming months I will be shedding the shell of my life-long religious identity in the hopes of rediscovering its soul and essence. Something is dying…something is being born.  I can feel it.

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